It’s 3pm and I am still in my pajamas, I can’t remember if I brushed my teeth or washed my face this morning. Xuan, on the other hand, already had 3 diaper changes, 2 of them were diaper explosions rivalling the bombing of Hiroshima (certainly the stench was toxic) and required complete wardrobe change. It’s amazing how much poop can come out of a little human being. Aside from feeding her and changing her, the only other things I have managed to do today is make the bed and wash the breakfast and lunch dishes. I didn’t even cook my own lunch, my mom brought lunch for me. Luckily for me, H doesn’t expect me to cook dinner for us either, just thinking about that makes me feel faint! Staying at home is the most intense job ever, even at work I would have 5 minutes to go to the toilet in peace.
Oh yes, speaking of peeing, peeing might seem the most simple thing in the world to do, but I find it nerve wrecking trying to sneak off, do the deed and come back without the baby noticing I’m gone. And she always, notices I am not with her. Although I can hold pee or pee really slowly, like what they ask you to do for Kegel exercises, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to pee faster when the baby wails. You would think exercises to pee faster, rather than holding your pee would be more useful as a mother. And what about number two? Trust me, you would rather not know.
This was not what I imagined staying at home would be like. I certainly thought I would be dressed, with fresh breath, reading, maybe surfing the net while Xuan slept. Not wide awake with exhausting but unable to sleep, hoping that the neighbour’s overly sensitive house alarm would trigger for the fourth time this afternoon so that Xuan would sleep another 15 minutes.
Naively, I thought that Xuan and I could go out shopping or hang out at a coffee place. Little did I know that just thinking about going out alone with Xuan, with only one pair of hands juggling the stroller (gigantic, dubbed “the Transformer” by my sister), a huge diaper bag, baby, house key to lock up the house, and car keys to start the car, would make me even more exhausted than I already was. Besides, now that I know better, I know it would be unlikely Xuan would sit quietly in her stroller looking at the her surroundings contently, while I sip a delicious, aromatic cup of hot coffee and read an up-to-date magazine. More likely, she would be screaming and I would be gulping down the scalding hot cup of tea (no coffee, since I am breastfeeding) and at the last minute I would spill the leftover tea I have no time to finish, over the said up-to-date magazine before escaping through the doors, bumping into chairs and tables enroute.
I pictured meeting up with friends over tea and cakes while our kids played together. Us mothers would chat indulgently about our babies accomplishments and share mothering tips. Only, I don’t really have many friends with babies the same age as Xuan. Besides, most of my mom friends are busy working, and would hardly have time for poor starved for adult conversation me. Unfortunately for me, we live in Malaysia, not in the United Kingdom, America, Australia or even Canada. In those countries, there are playgroups for children to play and mothers to meet. In Malaysia, the only playgroups for children are ones you have to pay to join. As you can imagine, spending most of my time alone at home with Xuan, makes me feel lonely and cut off from the real world. This was another aspect of being a stay at home mom I didn’t expect.
But still, I really admire stay at home moms. I don’t know many personally, the ones I know are other mothers who blog on the internet. Majority of the mom blogs I read have more than one child. And they manage marvellously, excel even, at motherhood, from the day to day things, doing the housework, finding time to stay up to date on current events, following other mom blogs, maintaining real life friendships and friendships through the internet, cooking dinner and most of all, capturing all the special times with their children and documenting them in eloquent words, posting pictures that capture that “ah” moments. Through them, I know that motherhood is not easy by any means, certainly it is mostly chaotic, but as long as we have a sense of humour, and immense love for our children, it is a journey through a rainbow, and at the end you will always find a pot of gold.
And this picture below, is my own humble attempt to capture some of my own memorable moments with my little rainbow.
Serious Baby
Happy Baby
Month 4 Milestones:
Weight - 5.8kg
Height - 60cm
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