Everyone oh-ed and ah-ed over Xuan. Some of the first things that people said about her were “Oh, she has a full head of hair!”, “She has natural curls!” and “Wow, she has really strong lungs / loud cry!”, along with other comments trying to figure out who she looks like. A little bit me, a little bit of H, a little bit of my dad, my mom, H’s parents, my sis, and everyone who loves her, of course.
The next day, Dr. G came to check on me and said I can be discharged. However, we decided to stay one more night at the hospital with Xuan. We mostly kept Xuan with us in the room, she would sleep next to me on the bed with the rail raised, or in H’s arms or in her bassinet. Sometimes she would cry and H had to hold her in a football hold, with her head slightly lower. Somehow, she would calm down when she was held like that. Strange, I know, but maybe it reminded her to being upside down when she was still in the womb, not too long ago! When she fussed, she would also quiet down when she heard our voices, perhaps she could recognise our voices from the long chats we had with her when I was pregnant.
When Xuan was 2 days old, we brought her home in a newborn size pink and white striped bodysuit, she was so little that she was swimming in it. I carried Xuan into the house and showed her around her home. She was quiet during the daytime and mostly slept.
During Xuan’s first night home, she started being fussy. The Confinement Lady said that it was because she was hungry, but my milk had not come in yet. I did not have formula in the house as the midwives told us the first milk, colostrum was enough for the baby for the first few days of life. If we give the baby formula, it would disrupt the supply and demand relationship of breastfeeding. The baby may not want breastmilk after that, and my supply would be insufficient. My friends who had babies before encouraged me to be positive towards breastfeeding and not to have formula in the house. They also warned me that usually Confinement Ladies prefer to feed babies formula as it makes the babies more full and easier to care for. They told me I must be firm with the Confinement Lady and not give in to her if she wants to feed the baby formula.
This is easier said than done, especially when hearing our baby cry. The Confinement Lady asked us to give Xuan water instead, but the books also said not to give the baby water. The Confinement Lady was frustrated with us, she kept saying “poor baby, poor baby” which made me feel so bad. My baby was hungry but I had no milk for her. Unlike when she was in the womb and she had nutrition from me round the clock without any effort on my part, now she was outside of me and so, so hungry but I did not have enough milk for her. I broke down into tears and H had a few words with the Confinement Lady as he was upset she made us feel bad. After a while, Xuan settled down and went to sleep.
The next day, the Confinement Lady noticed that Xuan was a bit yellow, so we took her to the hospital. She had jaundice and was admitted for phototherapy. At the special care nursery, the nurse told us that they have to give Xuan formula as I did not have sufficient milk. It was important give Xuan formula as it helps remove the bilirubin from her system through stools. Also, the formula will prevent her from getting dehydrated from the phototherapy.
H and I got quite frustrated after hearing this from the nurse. Of course we agree that they give Xuan formula, it’s important for her health. We’re frustrated that all this information was not given to us as part of the antenatal classes we attended. In those classes, the midwives kept telling us to breastfeed exclusively. But obviously in our case, breastmilk is not enough especially as Xuan has jaundice. I felt so bad that we listened to the midwives advice and caused Xuan to go hungry. By the time Xuan was readmitted into the hospital, she weighed 2.63kg.
After Xuan was settled into the hospital, I went home and started to pump and store milk. I pumped every 3 hours, even through the night but I only managed to pump 0.5 oz of milk. IN TOTAL. As in, 0.5 oz of milk from all the pumping sessions. I was thinking to myself, this must be the most pathetic attempt in history. When we went to visit Xuan the next day, I was so embarrassed to show the milk to the nurse. She was kind enough not to laugh, but we couldn’t use the milk anyway, as it was all mixed from the different pumping sessions. Instead, I nursed Xuan there and H and I spent some time with her. There were babies and their parents there too. 2 other babies had jaundice too, one of the babies looked really yellow. There was a pair of premature twins and another premature baby boy kept in incubators. If I thought Xuan was tiny, these babies were even tinier, they weighed about 1.4kg each, and were probably smaller at birth.
Xuan’s jaundice level was still slightly elevated, so she had to stay a second night. The 2 nights without Xuan were really hard. For 9 months, she existed inside me and I could feel her move and kick, and now she was alone, far away from me in the hospital. Even though she was in the special care nursery being cared for by experienced nurses, I couldn’t help worrying about her. Did she miss us like we miss her?
The next day, Xuan was much better and was discharged. We were told to sun her in morning light for ten minutes for a few days. So, we brought our baby home again. Home sweet home!
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