Our Little Rainbow: Month 3: All You Need to Know About Breastfeeding

In case you have not noticed, I actually started this blog in May 2009, 4 months after Xuan was born. As you can see, after my first post, there was a loooooooooooong silence and the next post was almost 1 year later. This was because I really had my hands full taking care of Xuan and had no time to blog. One of my New Year’s resolution for 2010 was to revive this blog and seriously start recording my thoughts, feelings and all things about Xuan. So I started posting again, or rather back-posting about my pregnancy with Xuan, her delivery, and things that happened from her first month to the present.

Now, I am posting about her 3rd month. I am writing about breastfeeding, but part of this post is written in hindsight, with knowledge and experience I have now, that I didn’t have at that point in time. And also, what I think I would do differently, if we are lucky enough to do this a second time round. Please bear in mind, that this is my personal experience and other mothers would have their own individual experiences with breastfeeding.

All the books and materials you read on breastfeeding can never prepare you sufficiently for the actual experience of breastfeeding. The books would talk about the benefits of breastfeeding for both mother and baby, the supply and demand relationship between breastfeeding and the baby, latching, different positions for breastfeeding, cracked and bleeding nipples, breast infections, etc.

For me, I didn’t expect my milk to come in only after 5 days, and even then at a trickle. Before my milk supply was fully established, I had to supplement feeding Xuan with formula, despite being advised against this by all the pro-breastfeeding books. Even then, I didn’t give in to feeding Xuan formula, until she had to be hospitalised for jaundice. In hindsight, I should not have let Xuan cry in hunger, it is important for her to have nutrition, and the supplement would have helped her system break down the bilirubin in her blood and reduced the severity of her jaundice. Although her jaundice was not very severe, jaundice in it’s very severe form can cause brain damage, and that is just too much to risk. After she was discharged from the hospital, I slowly reduced her formula feedings as my milk supply increased and after 3 weeks, she was fully breastfed.

Luckily for us, we did not have any problems with latch, Xuan was really good at latching on. I didn’t have sore, cracked or bleeding nipples, and I didn’t have breast infections.

The problems I had with breastfeeding were more related to my own feelings. I didn’t expect Xuan to need milk every 1.5 to 2 hours in the beginning, round the clock, day and night. It drove me buts to have to be so available all the time. Sometimes, I really felt like I was tied to her physically. I couldn’t go out for more than 2 hours at a time, even when we brought her with us. Most places in Malaysia are not mother and baby friendly. All our weekend outings were timed to the minute, we changed her diaper and fed her before going out, ate a quick lunch, ran our errand or bought the things we needed, if we could we took a quick stroll around the shopping mall and rushed home just in time for her next feed and for her nap.

Why didn’t we give her the bottle? Initially, we were afraid to give her the bottle as warned by the countless books and midwives that she would get nipple confusion and refuse to breastfeed. We spoonfed her formula in the first 3 weeks. Eventually, we did give her the bottle when she was about 7 weeks old. I remember H proudly feeding Xuan her first bottle and once, she even finished 5 ounces of milk in one go. However, her bottle feedings were inconsistent, only during weekends if we went out. And even then, not every weekend as H would always endeavour to come home within the 2 hour timeframe. Perhaps he thought it was inconvenient to bring out the frozen breastmilk and to warm up the milk with hot water outside.

By the time Xuan was 3 months, she steadfastly refused to drink from the bottle. Once, H even tried to feed her from the bottle for 20 minutes while she cried and cried and I hid in the kitchen. In the end, I gave up trying to make her take the bottle. I told myself that it was ok, since I was at home to take care of her, she didn’t really need to drink from the bottle. It seemed like a lot of work for me to pump, wash and sterilise the bottle and pump, and feed her from the bottle when I could just feed her directly. I would come to regret this sorely in the future.

Over the months, it became more and more stressful for me to leave the house without Xuan. Not only did she need to be fed directly, but over time she had became to rely on breastfeeding to put her to sleep. Whenever I left the house, which was not often, I would feel pressured to return by a certain time, either in time to feed her, or to put her to sleep. If I was not around, she would be sorely upset and would rather go hungry than drink from the bottle, and she would rather not go to sleep. When she was almost 11 months, finally mastered drinking from the sippy cup. However, she would not drink formula from the sippy cup. We tried different types of formula, but perhaps she didn’t like the taste.

If I could do this all over again, I would just feed the baby from the bottle, nipple confusion or no nipple confusion, it would be better for the baby to drink from the bottle and reject the breast, than to reject the bottle and only drink from the breast. Afterall, I can still feed the baby express breastmilk from the bottle, and eventually it would be easier to transition the baby to drinking formula from the bottle. In the long run, it would be better for the baby to be able to drink milk from the bottle, at least the baby would not have to suffer when I am not around. It is also better for myself that the baby can be bottlefed by other people. I would not feel so guilty about leaving the baby with someone. More importantly, perhaps I might feel differently about breastfeeding and feel less resentment. There is nothing wrong with someone else feeding the baby, it is a chance for the baby to bond with other people, like the father.

Being solely responsible for feeding a human being 24 hours a day, for more than one year is very exhausting. By this time, Xuan was so used to only me putting her to sleep and putting her back to sleep that H could not help at all. If I was in the shower when Xuan woke up, she would cry and scream until I came into the room, even though H carried her. So no one could help me with Xuan. During the worst weeks of sleep deprivation, I would have to wake up and feed Xuan every 1.5 to 2 hours for weeks at a time. I was almost psychotic by that point and was desperate to wean her.

Unfortunately, in all of the breastfeeding books I have read, for all the 300 over pages on breastfeeding, there are barely 2 pages on weaning. Weaning, is going to be a major headache for me, but that, will be another story.

Here are some cute pictures of Xuan when she is 3 months old. This is when she was the chubbiest! I just love all the rolls of fat on her thighs and arms...must have been all the breastmilk!