I’ve now been working for a little over 2 months. The first 2 months were tough, I started work during the quarter close, which was a really hectic period with rigid timelines, during a time when I was new to the role. After quarter close, there was an internal audit for the department and I was the only one available to manage the audit process. Those 3 weeks were really awful, I worked 12 hours in the office, packing lunch and eating in front of the computer, and came home after 9pm for a quick dinner and a shower before working for another 3 hours until 2 am, almost every night. I had to work 2 weekends as well. By the time I reached home most nights, Xuan was already asleep and she would still be sleeping in the morning when I kissed her face and left for work. The longest stretch I went was 3 days without seeing her awake.
Although I was tempted a couple of times to wake her up, just so that I can talk to her and hug her before I go to work, old habits die hard...never wake a sleeping baby, especially a baby like ours, who used to only nap 45 minutes at a stretch in those early months. Furthermore, the short joy the both of us have from seeing each other for a short while, would be replaced by Xuan crying once she realises that I have to leave her and go to work. She would also cling to me and call “Mama....mama” and sometimes says “go, go, go” to tell me that she wants to go with me. It takes alot of resolve to leave her standing at the door, looking at me drive away, with hot tears running down her little face. This must be the guilt that sits like a stone on the heart of every working mother.
I missed her so much, and missed spending time with H. I missed spending time together as a family. I missed the freedom of having time for myself. It was ironic really, and it just proves that you can’t have everything. When I was a stay at home mom, I missed the financial independence, now that I am working and have financial independence, I miss the independence of my own freedom, my own time. Although, I do remember that as a stay at home mom, I did not really have that much time to myself, but I had time for my daughter and my family, without external pressures.
It was also tough at work, the pressure of meeting the internal audit turnaround time of 24 hours to provide information and evidence. Coupled with my morning sickness, there were times when I was thinking “What the hell am I doing?” However, thankfully the internal audit ended...and work became more sane again. Now it is mostly a 9am to 6pm job, sometimes 7pm. I usually go into the office 2 times a week and reach home before 7pm. The other days I work from home. The busy times are during month end and quarter end.
Xuan still cries sometimes when she sees me in the morning and I have to leave for the office. When I work from home, sometimes she will call for me at the top of her lungs “Mama, Mama...come...come!” Most of the time, I try to ignore her, as I do not want her to get used to me appearing whenever she calls me, that would make it difficult to work from home. It is not easy to shut my ears and heart though... Sometimes, I wonder whether my colleagues can hear her calling or crying during our conference calls. But I do know that I am not alone, sometimes I hear my colleagues’ kids in the background too. Once, we heard our manager’s 4 year old daughter calling him, and he was furiously whispering back to her “go out, go out, later...”
Xuan gets on fine with the maid, but she prefers me, H or my mom, to the maid. Sometimes I also worry that the maid will just leave her alone to play by herself, or just lets her watch TV non-stop when my mom or I are not around. I do sneak to the top of the stairs a couple of times during the day, to make sure she doesn’t watch TV more than once a day, and not for too long. I also check to make sure the maid is playing with her, and that she is not alone in the living room.
There are many advantages to having a maid of course. The main thing being that H and I have a lot less housework to do. Although previously we had a part-time maid to clean the house once a week, I do think the house is cleaner now that our maid sweeps and mops twice a week. We also don’t need to spend time washing dishes and cleaning up the kitchen at night, after dinner. That used to take H at least an hour, after dinner. By the time he finished, he only has another hour to spend with Xuan before her bedtime.
Anyway, life is full of changes. Currently, our maid had told us that she only wants to work for 1 year, after which she will return to her home country. I am a bit nervous about hiring a new maid when the baby would only be 4 months old.
Guess we will see how that works out. If motherhood has taught me anything, the first lesson is that things may not turn out the way you expect them to, and you just have to make a decision that is the best for you and your family, at that point in time. Of course, you should plan for the future as well, but you can only plan so much, the future changes. A second valuable lesson I have learned is, to be open to changes and not be so rigid with what you used to think your life would be, because what you used to imagine, was only imagination, and it could be totally different from the real thing / experience. And most of all, motherhood changes you in ways you could never have thought possible.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Month 21: Puzzles
Xuan’s latest interest is doing puzzles. She loves it, and is really good at it too. Sometimes I wonder if having an interest or hobby is something that can be passed from generation to generation genetically? You see, H’s hobby used to be doing jigsaw puzzles. The walls in his parents’ house used to be lines with his 1000 pieces puzzles. After we started dating, he had less and less time to do puzzles, as he was travelling for work from Sunday night until Friday night. And he spent the rest of his time with me.
Once, he bought a 2000 piece puzzle of a beautiful autumn scene in a park, I told him that it reminded me of my university campus. We did the puzzle together, but it was really huge, and took us so long...when we had to move house, we carefully packed the completed parts together in the box, to be transported to our new home...but so far, we have not unpacked it and finished it. Perhaps Xuan will help us finish it when she is bigger?
This is just one of the ways Xuan takes after H, just like the identical green circle birthmark that they both have on their left shoulder, it is H’s “chop” on her, to show that she is his.
Xuan started doing a 20 piece Winnie the Pooh puzzle, when she was 17 months old. It took her less than a week to master that. Then we gave her more and more complex puzzles, until now, she can do a 48 piece puzzle with odd shapes and sizes. She can even do a 80 piece puzzle, that is separated into 4 sections of 20 pieces. She loves doing puzzles so much, that she would destroy the puzzled saying “mix mix, again again” immediately after she puts in the last piece, leaving her admirers no time to “ooohhh” and “aaahhhh” over the completed picture!
Once, he bought a 2000 piece puzzle of a beautiful autumn scene in a park, I told him that it reminded me of my university campus. We did the puzzle together, but it was really huge, and took us so long...when we had to move house, we carefully packed the completed parts together in the box, to be transported to our new home...but so far, we have not unpacked it and finished it. Perhaps Xuan will help us finish it when she is bigger?
This is just one of the ways Xuan takes after H, just like the identical green circle birthmark that they both have on their left shoulder, it is H’s “chop” on her, to show that she is his.
Xuan started doing a 20 piece Winnie the Pooh puzzle, when she was 17 months old. It took her less than a week to master that. Then we gave her more and more complex puzzles, until now, she can do a 48 piece puzzle with odd shapes and sizes. She can even do a 80 piece puzzle, that is separated into 4 sections of 20 pieces. She loves doing puzzles so much, that she would destroy the puzzled saying “mix mix, again again” immediately after she puts in the last piece, leaving her admirers no time to “ooohhh” and “aaahhhh” over the completed picture!
Month 20: Bali Trip
A few days after we saw the positive HPT, we went to see the doctor and it as confirmed I was pregnant. We were relieved when the doctor told us that we could still go on our Bali trip a few days later. So on 10-Aug-2010, H, X, my mom, my sister and I flew to Bali for 8 days. It as Xuan’s first time on a plane and her first trip overseas. She handled the 3 hour flight very well, she didn’t cry...but she didn’t sleep either. H and I were busy entertaining her and handing her back and forth between ourselves across the aisle. Luckily, I was sitting next to a kind Frenchman with his 10 year old son. He was very understanding and entertaining with Xuan, letting her scribble all over his hotel booking and itinerary with his son’s colored pens!
By the time we reached the hotel in Kuta, Bali, it was already 11pm. Way past Xuan’s bedtime, and she did not sleep on the plane. As usual, she was hyperactive and excited to be in a new place. I was afraid that it would take her ages to settle down to sleep. Luckily, and probably because she was so tired, she just hugged her green bear (her latest lovey, my sister insisted that we bring this and I threw it into the backpack at the last minute), closed her eyes and went to sleep.
The next day, we travelled to Ubud. The hotel was nice and cosy. We had a room on the 1st floor with a big balcony, overlooking a fish pond. Xuan loved going outside to look at the fishpond. Her limited vocabulary expanded to include “GO!! GO!! GO!!” to tell us that she wanted to go outside. Again, she did not take her afternoon nap, she was too busy exploring the room. We went to a restaurant called Pizza Bagus for dinner. By that time, she was so exhausted, she just fell asleep in the high chair before the food arrived. It was kind of strange to eat pizza in Bali, but the pizza was delicious. What else was delicious, was the smell of grilled seafood wrafting into the restaurant from next door. We planned to check that place out for the next meal.
We spent the next couple of days exploring Ubud and the surrounding areas – temples, palaces, etc. One day was devoted to relaxing. We had leisurely breakfast at the lobby balcony, overlooking the paddy fields. Then my sister, my mom and I went for a spa treatment while H took care of Xuan. The spa was ok, except for the first 20 minutes when we had to endure loud ceremonial music from the road outside as there was some ceremonial procession going by. I was a little nervous about having a massage while pregnant, some people advise against that, but I did tell the masseuse and she said it was OK as long as she was gentle and didn’t massage my abdomen.
After the massage, we went back to the hotel and found out that Xuan had a little accident. While we were having our spa treatment, H took Xuan to walk around Ubud town. After a while, it was hot, so he went into a bakery-cum-cafe to get a drink. Our little girl, as usual, was too enthusiastic when she saw the fruit juice and tried to pull the glass towards herself for a drink. The glass slipped and broke against the table. H checked Xuan to see if she was ok, she as not crying. H found that a piece of broken glass had fallen and cut Xuan’s leg, she was bleeding. He hurriedly paid for the drink and rushed back to the hotel to ask the receptionist for the nearest clinic. The receptionist told him that the shuttle car was not in, but offered to send H and Xuan to the nearest clinic on motorcycle. Up to this point, Xuan did not cry at all, but when they got on the motorcycle, she started wailing! She continued wailing at the clinic while the doctor cleaned and bandaged her wound. The cut was about 1.5 inches long on her left calf. The doctor told us to keep her leg dry for a few days and to wash the wound with saline water everyday, put yellow medicine and change the dressing.
After that, Xuan had stopped crying but she did not want to get back on the motorcycle, so H tipped the driver and walked back to the hotel, as it was only a 10 minute walk. When I went back to the room, Xuan had already recovered from her ordeal and was playing on the bed. However, if anyone asked her “What happened to your leg?” she would started crying and point to her cut. Once, my sister asked her “What happened to your leg?”, Xuan started whimpering and pointed to her right leg...then my sister told her “That’s the wrong leg!” and Xuan quickly pointed to her left leg instead! From this experience, Xuan learned another word “Cut, cut”.
Mid-way through our trip, my morning sickness started. I felt nausea almost constantly, in the car, not in the car, sitting up, lying down, when walking. I felt like puking all the time, regardless whether I ate, or didn’t eat, when I drank water. I was puking all over Bali island, at restaurants, shopping malls, hotel toilets. It was as bad as when I was pregnant with Xuan, and I was only halfway through 6 weeks. If this went along the same lines as my first pregnancy, I would be nauseous and pukey for another 10 weeks. Poor H tried to comfort me, but he couldn’t resist saying “I told you it was ok if we only have Xuan!”
After 3 days in Ubud, we went back to Kuta and moved into a hotel apartment, The apartment was spacious and comfortable, very new and modern. We were on the ground floor, facing the swimming pool and Xuan kept wanting to go outside but we were reluctant to let her swim as we were suppose to keep her wound dry. In the end we relented and let her have a quick 15 minute dip in the pool, she enjoyed splashing everyone tremendously, after which we had to drag her kicking and screaming out of the swimming pool.
In Kuta, we mostly ate, walked around and shopped. We had a brief visit to the beach, but again, didn’t go in as didn’t want sand and water to get into Xuan’s wound. On the eigth day, we flew home. The flight home was ok. Although we had a lovely trip, it was a relief to be home again, to sleep in our own bed, without Xuan sleeping spreadeagle across, forming the letter “H” as H and I clung to the sides of the bed, trying not to fall off!
Here are some pictures from our Bali trip:
By the time we reached the hotel in Kuta, Bali, it was already 11pm. Way past Xuan’s bedtime, and she did not sleep on the plane. As usual, she was hyperactive and excited to be in a new place. I was afraid that it would take her ages to settle down to sleep. Luckily, and probably because she was so tired, she just hugged her green bear (her latest lovey, my sister insisted that we bring this and I threw it into the backpack at the last minute), closed her eyes and went to sleep.
The next day, we travelled to Ubud. The hotel was nice and cosy. We had a room on the 1st floor with a big balcony, overlooking a fish pond. Xuan loved going outside to look at the fishpond. Her limited vocabulary expanded to include “GO!! GO!! GO!!” to tell us that she wanted to go outside. Again, she did not take her afternoon nap, she was too busy exploring the room. We went to a restaurant called Pizza Bagus for dinner. By that time, she was so exhausted, she just fell asleep in the high chair before the food arrived. It was kind of strange to eat pizza in Bali, but the pizza was delicious. What else was delicious, was the smell of grilled seafood wrafting into the restaurant from next door. We planned to check that place out for the next meal.
We spent the next couple of days exploring Ubud and the surrounding areas – temples, palaces, etc. One day was devoted to relaxing. We had leisurely breakfast at the lobby balcony, overlooking the paddy fields. Then my sister, my mom and I went for a spa treatment while H took care of Xuan. The spa was ok, except for the first 20 minutes when we had to endure loud ceremonial music from the road outside as there was some ceremonial procession going by. I was a little nervous about having a massage while pregnant, some people advise against that, but I did tell the masseuse and she said it was OK as long as she was gentle and didn’t massage my abdomen.
After the massage, we went back to the hotel and found out that Xuan had a little accident. While we were having our spa treatment, H took Xuan to walk around Ubud town. After a while, it was hot, so he went into a bakery-cum-cafe to get a drink. Our little girl, as usual, was too enthusiastic when she saw the fruit juice and tried to pull the glass towards herself for a drink. The glass slipped and broke against the table. H checked Xuan to see if she was ok, she as not crying. H found that a piece of broken glass had fallen and cut Xuan’s leg, she was bleeding. He hurriedly paid for the drink and rushed back to the hotel to ask the receptionist for the nearest clinic. The receptionist told him that the shuttle car was not in, but offered to send H and Xuan to the nearest clinic on motorcycle. Up to this point, Xuan did not cry at all, but when they got on the motorcycle, she started wailing! She continued wailing at the clinic while the doctor cleaned and bandaged her wound. The cut was about 1.5 inches long on her left calf. The doctor told us to keep her leg dry for a few days and to wash the wound with saline water everyday, put yellow medicine and change the dressing.
After that, Xuan had stopped crying but she did not want to get back on the motorcycle, so H tipped the driver and walked back to the hotel, as it was only a 10 minute walk. When I went back to the room, Xuan had already recovered from her ordeal and was playing on the bed. However, if anyone asked her “What happened to your leg?” she would started crying and point to her cut. Once, my sister asked her “What happened to your leg?”, Xuan started whimpering and pointed to her right leg...then my sister told her “That’s the wrong leg!” and Xuan quickly pointed to her left leg instead! From this experience, Xuan learned another word “Cut, cut”.
Mid-way through our trip, my morning sickness started. I felt nausea almost constantly, in the car, not in the car, sitting up, lying down, when walking. I felt like puking all the time, regardless whether I ate, or didn’t eat, when I drank water. I was puking all over Bali island, at restaurants, shopping malls, hotel toilets. It was as bad as when I was pregnant with Xuan, and I was only halfway through 6 weeks. If this went along the same lines as my first pregnancy, I would be nauseous and pukey for another 10 weeks. Poor H tried to comfort me, but he couldn’t resist saying “I told you it was ok if we only have Xuan!”
After 3 days in Ubud, we went back to Kuta and moved into a hotel apartment, The apartment was spacious and comfortable, very new and modern. We were on the ground floor, facing the swimming pool and Xuan kept wanting to go outside but we were reluctant to let her swim as we were suppose to keep her wound dry. In the end we relented and let her have a quick 15 minute dip in the pool, she enjoyed splashing everyone tremendously, after which we had to drag her kicking and screaming out of the swimming pool.
In Kuta, we mostly ate, walked around and shopped. We had a brief visit to the beach, but again, didn’t go in as didn’t want sand and water to get into Xuan’s wound. On the eigth day, we flew home. The flight home was ok. Although we had a lovely trip, it was a relief to be home again, to sleep in our own bed, without Xuan sleeping spreadeagle across, forming the letter “H” as H and I clung to the sides of the bed, trying not to fall off!
Here are some pictures from our Bali trip:
This is the lobby of the hotel we stayed in, in Ubud. Our room is the one of the rooms on the left.
Xuan loves to go out to the balcony to look at the view. What is she looking at?
Our balcony looks out to a scenic and peaceful view of the paddy fields
Our room also looks out into a little fish pond, and Xuan loves to point out the fish and birds, and keeps asking us to take her out..."Go...go...GO!!!!"
This is the hotel pool, looks so lovely, but we didn't get to swim in it, because of Xuan's cut on her leg
Xuan wearing her sunglasses. She doesn't like the sun shining into her eyes, and would ask me for her sunglasses :)
Yummy grilled seafood. The restaurant owner actually called the chef to come to the restaurant just to cook for us (we were early and hungry)
This is one of the rooms in the apartment we booked in Kuta
The living room of the apartment
The view of the swimming pool from our apartment
One of the temples we visited
The famous Tanah Lot
Hanging out with cold drinks at Tanah Lot
Month 19: Going Back to Work Surprise
At the end of May, H and I decided that I would call the office to find out if there was a work from home role available for me, to go back to work. It was a compromise of sorts, as he did not want me to spend too much energy and time on work, and dealing with stress, the end result being that I would be to exhausted and tired to spend time with Xuan and at home. I agreed, as I did not relish spending a couple of hours a day being stuck in traffic when I can be at home with Xuan, or working late nights and not spending time together as a family.
Luckily for me, my boss is a very caring and wonderful boss, she directed me to talk to someone for potential roles that allow me to work from home, and after a couple of conversations with him, I ended up with a new role, reporting to him as my new boss. I can’t thank my old boss enough, for being a fantastic boss when I was working with her, and now, she was kind enough to help me look for another role. So, in early-July it was decided that I would go back to work, starting 1-Sept-2010.
Then started a whirlwind of activities involving us looking for a maid to take care of Xuan, under my mom’s supervision when I go into office to work, or under my supervision when I would work from home. It was not easy trying to find agency and biodata that we felt comfortable with. Furthermore, we didn’t really have time to look around, as we had less than 2 months to get the maid here before I start work. Thanks to a lovely and selfless friend who recommended a maid agency to us, we found an agent that we felt comfortable with, as she asked detailed questions about our needs and expectations, and she was also truthful to us that she might not be able to give us a biodata, as she had a long client waiting list, including my friend, who was looking for a maid to replace her current maid. Finally, the agent sent us a biodata, and we decided to go with this maid. Then I found out that this biodata was actually sent to my friend, and she selflessly asked the agent to give that biodata to me instead, as she knew we needed to maid urgently by September.
Just when everything was settled...H and I had a surprise. I was late for 4 days...and we were wondering...could it be? To be honest, I couldn’t believe that we could be...we weren’t even trying. However, I am usually very regular, plus minus 1 or 2 days at the most, and the only other time I was late for 4 days was when we found out we were pregnant with Xuan. I couldn’t help hoping, but also couldn’t help thinking that the timing was less than ideal...I felt that Xuan was still so young...she is not even 2. In addition, I was due back to work in a month...and knowing me, my morning sickness would be horrendous. I could not imagine going back to work, taking care of Xuan, feeling exhausted and throwing up 5 times a day, all at the same time. But sure enough, when we did the HPT on Sunday morning, 1-Aug-2010, there were 2 lines!
Luckily for me, my boss is a very caring and wonderful boss, she directed me to talk to someone for potential roles that allow me to work from home, and after a couple of conversations with him, I ended up with a new role, reporting to him as my new boss. I can’t thank my old boss enough, for being a fantastic boss when I was working with her, and now, she was kind enough to help me look for another role. So, in early-July it was decided that I would go back to work, starting 1-Sept-2010.
Then started a whirlwind of activities involving us looking for a maid to take care of Xuan, under my mom’s supervision when I go into office to work, or under my supervision when I would work from home. It was not easy trying to find agency and biodata that we felt comfortable with. Furthermore, we didn’t really have time to look around, as we had less than 2 months to get the maid here before I start work. Thanks to a lovely and selfless friend who recommended a maid agency to us, we found an agent that we felt comfortable with, as she asked detailed questions about our needs and expectations, and she was also truthful to us that she might not be able to give us a biodata, as she had a long client waiting list, including my friend, who was looking for a maid to replace her current maid. Finally, the agent sent us a biodata, and we decided to go with this maid. Then I found out that this biodata was actually sent to my friend, and she selflessly asked the agent to give that biodata to me instead, as she knew we needed to maid urgently by September.
Just when everything was settled...H and I had a surprise. I was late for 4 days...and we were wondering...could it be? To be honest, I couldn’t believe that we could be...we weren’t even trying. However, I am usually very regular, plus minus 1 or 2 days at the most, and the only other time I was late for 4 days was when we found out we were pregnant with Xuan. I couldn’t help hoping, but also couldn’t help thinking that the timing was less than ideal...I felt that Xuan was still so young...she is not even 2. In addition, I was due back to work in a month...and knowing me, my morning sickness would be horrendous. I could not imagine going back to work, taking care of Xuan, feeling exhausted and throwing up 5 times a day, all at the same time. But sure enough, when we did the HPT on Sunday morning, 1-Aug-2010, there were 2 lines!
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