Month 17: The Best Workout in The World, Weightloss Guaranteed

I have the secret to the best workout in the world. It doesn’t involve dieting, fasting, drinking foul concoctions or powdered “whole” meals, counting calories, popping pills, or exclusive gym membership with a personal trainer. On this workout, I lost 10kg in 5 months, my jeans that I’ve had before my wedding (when I was last the thinnest) are just about managing not to slide off my hips to the floor. In fact, I have had to buy a new pair of jeans, as I did not fancy flashing innocent passerbys in the shopping mall when I bent over to pick up my daughter.



My new secret workout is called Xuan. Mmm...perhaps this is a workout with a personal trainer, the personal trainer being a miniature trainer called Xuan! First off, I must warn you that this workout is not for the faint-hearted. Secondly, I must mention that this workout is very intense, it’s an all day marathon, sometimes all night too. Typically my workout starts at 9am and lasts until 6pm, when H comes home. When H comes home, we tag team until 10pm.


My programme is a comprehensive all rounder workout. It’s a marathon because it lasts at least 8 hours daily. It involves weight lifting an 8.5kg baby around the house. This does wonders for my bicep building. Even though our paediatrician laments that Xuan is too light at 8.5kg, it is still no small feat to heft 1/5 of your own weight up and down the stairs for naps, diaper changes and baths. I also do laps, and typically clock...oh...about 50 laps each time I prepare and cleanup after breakfast and lunch, running from the kitchen to the living room to check that Xuan is playing nicely (as oppose to climbing the grills), and back into the kitchen to get utensils / chop carrots / stir the pot / check the fire / wash dishes, before running back into the living room for a another peak.


I work all the major group muscles when I climb the stairs together with Xuan for the 238th time that day. Xuan does it for fun, I do it because I have no choice. I even target problem areas by doing deep knee bends and squats while picking Cheerios, rice, pieces of meat and the odd bit of vegetable off the floor, after each of Xuan’s meals.


Several times a day, I play a variety of sports such as chasing and diving to catch the ball before it rolls into the far reaches of the TV cabinet. I think my flexibility has improved after contorting my body in various positions, to reach the said ball lodged in the far reaches of the TV cabinet. Oh, don’t forget wrestling during diaper changes and wardrobe malfunctions, those are often rousing. This workout also improves my speed and responsiveness as I jump over hurdles of discarded toys while sprinting across the living room to prevent Xuan from diving off the end of our sofa, at split second notice.


Needless to say, all this exercise does have some hazardous side effects. Mainly, I am not sure how much more pounding and heart-stopping moments my heart can take trying to keep Xuan from flying, falling, knocking her head, etc. Not to mention the aches and pains from my neck, to my shoulders and down my back. Sometimes, I get cramps in my right palm and wrist from carrying her for too long. I’m pretty sure my left shoulder is partly dislocated. Actual war scars you can see are a couple of bit marks and a slew of bruises across my body.


At one point, I had numerous bruises appearing all over my body and I had no idea where they were coming from. I actually went to a clinic and did a blood test to rule out anaemia. Turns out I was not anaemic, I just needed to improve my coordination and be less klutzy!


When H is come during the weekend, our shared workout is a relay team event. See, this workout even teaches you the importance of team work! From the time we wake up, I change her diaper and prepare her breakfast while H...mmm...does his morning thing. Then we eat breakfast together and H washes our breakfast things while I enjoy my coffee. Then H watches Xuan while I do my morning thing. Then I watch her while he does the laundry and hangs the clothes outside. When he’s done, he will watch her while I prepare lunch, you get the idea.


By the time her bedtime comes around, we are so often more tired than she is. We will lie down and often fall asleep before she does, while Xuan runs circles around us, bounces on our stomach or climbs on our back. Please don’t ask me where Xuan gets her energy from. For someone who hardly eats, she has enough energy to power the world, that is how energy efficient she is. In fact, if we could find a way to market her energy conversion ( 1 unit of food to 1 trillion energy units) and efficiency, we could be millionaires and save the world from global warming too.


H and I think that we should market Xuan to people who want to lose weight. After looking after her daily for one month, her carer(s) would definitely drop a couple of kgs. One of H’s cousins is keen to try this out during her college break. I wanted to charge, but H thinks we should do it for free, since it’s so much work!


Aside from the weight loss though, there is another benefit to this workout that is unquantifiable and immeasurable. I think the best thing about this workout is the generous dose of feel good endorphins throughout the day, when I see Xuan’s cheeky face, her impish grin and delighted giggles. These moments definitely soothe away the aches and pains at the end of the day!