Month 8: The Decision I Wish I Didn't Have to Make

In August, we sent Xuan to daycare for 2 half days to see how she would adjust.



The daycare we chose was newly setup by a lady in her mid-30s, and through conversations ith her, we find that we like her approach to childcare. Her thinking is more child-friendly and similar to our own philosophy. Perhaps this is because she is younger and does not follow the older methods typically practised by the babysitters in their 60s.


As the daycare was newly set up 4 months ago, there are not many children. There are 3 babies, 2 of them are 2 months old, and the other baby is 8 months old, similar to Xuan’s age. There are 4 toddlers, 3 of them are 18 months and the other toddler is 2.5 years old. There are currently 2 caregivers for the babies and 2 caregivers for the toddlers.


As expected, Xuan cried a lot during the 2 half days at the daycare. She hardly ate, didn’t drink any milk, she wailed during her bath and diaper change, and cried while being put to sleep, even though the caregiver rocked her to sleep. It took the caregiver 30 minutes to rock Xuan to sleep, a few failed attempts to put Xuan down, and after all this, Xuan only slept for 20 minutes! The worst part was, after just 2 half days at daycare, Xuan fell sick for the first time. In fact, I also fell sick. Xuan had a cold and it took her more than 1 week to recover. It as heartbreaking listening to her struggling to breathe through her blocked nose, especially when she was trying to sleep.


During this period, naturally I was severely sleep deprived as Xuan was waking up every 1.5 to 2 hours. I was seriously considering extending my unpaid leave for another year.


H actually wants me to resign from work to take care of Xuan full time. He is afraid that I would be too stressed out with work and insufficient sleep from taking care of Xuan. Currently, I still get 7 hours of sleep on average, broken up into 2 – 3 hour chunks, but this is because I get to sleep later with Xuan as I do not need to work. If I go back to work, I would probably have to survive on 5 hours of sleep, if I am lucky. Going back to work also means dealing with rush hour traffic and getting stuck in the car for 30 to 90 minutes a day. I would also have to work late a couple of nights a week, and might have to work weekends too. H is concerned that we might not get to spend enough time together as a family.


How would we deal with me working late when Xuan only wants me to put her to sleep? I can just imagine rushing to finish work at 11pm and stressing out because it is way past Xuan’s bedtime and she’s crying but H can’t put her to sleep and I still have to drive home. At this point, with Xuan still not sleeping through the night, I just cannot imagine dealing with even more exhaustion.


I am also worried about Xuan. I feel so guilty that she is so dependent on me for such basic things like milk (she still refuses to drink from the bottle and will only breasted) and for sleep (she only gies to sleep when I breastfeed her). I know that adjusting to daycare would really be horrendous for her. I keep picturing the caregivers being too busy with other babies and Xuan being left on her own crying out of hunger or thirst, or the caregivers getting too frustrated trying to get her to sleep and finally leaving her to cry to sleep on her own. My poor baby will be just left in the playpen, bored because she still can’t sit up or crawl or play. Ok, ok, I do tend to be melodramatic. But Xuan did fall sick after only 2 half days at daycare. How often would she fall sick when she attends daycare full time and got exposed to all those germs?


In the end, I made the very, very difficult decision to extend my unpaid leave for another year. It was an extremely hard choice for me to make as I am afraid of losing my motivation to go back to work after staying at home for too long. I am even more afraid that H would get too comfortable with me taking care of Xuan at home. It was not my intention to take care of Xuan full-time, I just wanted a break from the pressure of work and to spend more time with her in the beginning. I love my daughter very much, but I also like my job and colleagues and I believe that whenever possible, women should have a choice whether they want to work or stay at home. I would want my own daughter to have a choice when she grows up to be a working woman and a mother, to decide for herself if she wanted to work or take care of her children.


Now I see that my initial decision to take some time off work has set in motion some events that are difficult to undo, such as Xuan not drinking from the bottle, Xuan being too attached to me to the exclusion of other people, and Xuan not being able to fall asleep without me. My being responsible for 80% of Xuan’s care from the beginning has resulted in H not being able to put Xuan to sleep.


I hope me delaying going back to work for another year would give Xuan more time to be independent. Hopefully I would be able to wean her and by then she would look forward to interacting and playing with other children.